Tuesday, October 11, 2005

further update

once again if you didn’t read the first one called " this is serious and not politics" and the second one called "update" then don’t read this one.

Well I just talked to my boss who is very well versed in working with children with problems. His advice was quite simply that I have already done as much as I can and that I should just avoid the entire situation and simply not see any of the girls anymore. This is probably good advice and really it is what I should do just to cover my ass. But then fear of the law has never really had much of an influence on my decisions. I just don’t know if I could abandon them like that. I know that they look up to me and ask me for advice and help with homework and things of that nature. And I am quite sure that none of them have any crushes on me. He warned me as the other co-worker had that young people in bad situations will go into survival mode and are generally willing to implicate anyone to get out of trouble. I don’t know any of these girls well enough to say that they wouldn’t do that. I worry about them and I fell that I can help them out. My boss worded it eerily close to my feelings that it is a very natural and normal feeling to want to reach out and help and protect young people in a time like this. He also echoed my feelings that I have pretty much done what I can in directing her towards services that can help, and that I am not a psychiatrist and should not try to counsel her directly. I am having a hard time with the idea of just leaving them, I can’t imagine what I would say, I cant see you guys because you have issues. I know I would just say that due to the age disparity that it is just to great a legal risk for me to be around them. But I just cant see myself doing that. It is good advice and I'm sure that for my own safety I should just cut all ties and wash my hands of the situation. Damn.
My social worker co-worker just came in and asked what my boss said. She pretty much agreed with his advice and said that it will be tough but I need to stop seeing them. They’re right I do. Damn. I’ve lost friends before but never like this, where I had to make a conscious effort to stop being friends with a person, or people. I’m sad. I haven’t even said good-bye and I miss them. Damn. Society sucks. I want to help these kids out and I cant, I mean maybe I have helped them but I know I could do more. This is just a terrible situation. I know I could get in very serious trouble though if one of them wanted to get me in trouble. It was such an awkward friendship as it is. Maybe its all for the best. I can’t not do some thing just because its difficult or awkward, I don’t want to say no just cause there is risk and no reward. But the risk is real and could be serious.
I really did have a good time hanging around them too. I suppose going to jail would pretty well negate those good times though.
Why is it that whenever I ask for advice I hear exactly what I knew I would, and exactly what I didn’t want to hear.
I guess it’s for the best.
I don’t have many friends, I wish I didn’t have to lose them just because of age. Why couldn’t they be a few years older? It doesn’t matter. I can’t see them anymore. I know this is what I have to do. I feel like I’m abandoning them in a time of need.
It’s a good thing that no one else reads this crap, cause I probably sound like a schizophrenic right now. Oh well. Its probably for the best this friendship has been kind of a pain in the ass from day one. Its really weird trying to explain to someone why you are hanging out with a bunch of kids who are so much younger than yourself. For the millionth time there were no inappropriate intentions but it is still odd trying to explain why a 23 year old is hanging around high school girls. That makes me think of the line from “dazed and confused� “I love high school girls I keep getting older, they stay the same age�. The problem is how to explain that this is not the case. Oh well I guess I wont need awkward explanations anymore. Leaving them is the best thing I can do, it just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. Err… this sucks. Oh crap I might have a doctors appointment soon.

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