Friday, December 07, 2007

My Love Problem

I finally figured out the true cause of all my problems with women. It has nothing to do with looks or lack of money. Those who think it's do to my lack of tact, or my general awkwardness around certain women may have some valid points but ultimately they are wrong. It's not even my lack of ambition thats holding me back from finding my true love. I have finally found the problem, and the problem is... chain letters. Yup, chain letters. Especially once you're friends with a few idiots who love fucking myspace bulletins. By my very careful calculations of number of chain letter received vs number read vs number responded to (which is a constant - 0) which is then multiplied by the average time span of bad luck which can range from one bad kiss to an eternity of solitude. So by punching in the relevant data I should be able to find my dream girl in about two more ice-ages. Seriously who the fuck sends chain letters? Admittedly with emails its so easy to forward pointless crap to many people that I think the senders fail to realize the pain and suffering they are doling out to their unsuspecting friends. Myspace on the other hand is just redunkulous with the amount of bad luck that gets dished out everyday, an hour on Myspace and you might as well throw away the dreams and break out the tissue box, you're done.

I mean here is one I just got from a girl I was acquaintances with in high school and occasionally run into around town, but of course we're friends on myspace.

Don't know how this one is suppose to work!!!!!!
miss you ღ
ღIt's funny how many people have posted this. Guess we're all in the same boat, missing someone.. be honest...if you really miss someone, a friend, a love, or a family member right now & can't get them off your mind...then repost this titled as "I miss you...". Within 1 minute & whoever you are missing will surprise you. If you break this you will have the worst love life starting in 1 hour...ღ

Ok so that was pretty lame even by chain letter standards but still, that one alone should leave me with "the worst love life starting in 1 hour" and ending when? Fuck my love life is ruined because I didn't want to annoy other people with junk mail. What sort of a friend would send this instrument of pain? I mean I might send these to my mortal enemies but I don't really have any, at least not mortal enemies that are also myspace friends. I did once receive like an actual paper chain letter. It was hilarious, I was fairly young so I was excited to get any piece of mail let alone one from a friend from kindergarten who I hadn't seen in years, and had moved out of the area. I tore into it, I read it once. WTF? I read it again. Then looked up very quizzically at my mother. Um, he sent me a chain letter? WTF? So fuck chain letters, fuck them for being annoying, fuck them for making me think I've
been sent something real and fuck them for ruining my love life. Oh and of course fuck anyone who sends out chain letters, if you're that desperate for attention just give me a call, damn.

This might be my most random post ever. Its friday, a good time for a pointless rant.


Carrie said...

It's worse than you think. Not only has your lack of response to chain letters doomed you to die lonely and bitter, but if my general reading of many of them is correct, you're also extraordinarily likely to die in an automobile or airplane crash well before your time.

Sure, none of this has happened to me yet, either, despite my continued lack of response to/forwarding of chain letters, but I know that my day is coming, and that right soon...

Kilgore Trout said...

Oh man, good point. Then again I always figured I'd die in a car accident. Those who have ridden with me know why. Plus if I'm going to have a non existent love life for the rest of my days then I'm not sure I'll want to be around as long as possible. But just in case I slip past the chain letter karma I'm hoping I don't die too soon.