Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Secrets / Family / Rant

I've just read a bunch of stuff at Post Secret and I cant help but think of one for myself. Guess its not really a secret but here goes.

I wonder if my friends know how depressed I am?
But I'm sure they know the reason.

I wonder if my family even knows the reason.

Sorry "D" I'm feelin' a little emo today. It'll pass.
It's not just rejection that gets me down, its the fact that I never even get a fucking chance. Ok the one thats driving me insane at the moment is stupid because I knew it was nothing, that it could never be anything and I still let myself get attached and subsequently hurt. I'm just desperately sick of being single and it's tearing me up inside. I know that without self confidence I'm never going to get anywhere with women, this makes total sense, but what if I really don't like myself because I don't know who the fuck I am? I think of the advice of looking at the persons family before getting into a long term relationship, I think of how great my own family is, but of how I wonder what they would think of anyone I brought to meet them (they would probably love anyone I brought to meet them), then I wonder when they'll get to meet me. My family is awesome they really are, but for me they are the most judgmental people in my life. I'm never comfortable around them because I always feel the need to put up a front. I try to engage them in my life and they look at me like I'm crazy. I was the manager for my friends band for a few years and I didn't really expect them to show but my fucking sister had the audacity to not only blow me off, but to blow me off by going to a bar a block away. After being genuinely pissed at her for that stunt she finally showed up for one a bit later on, late, and didn't even see the band. Which wasn't the point, I didn't expect any of them to like the band, I just wanted them to be a part of my life. Because they have no idea who I am. My sister recently wrote part of a book about No Child Left Behind. I tried to ask her about it, she gave pathetic little answers and had no interest in talking about it with me. Then she has to tell me about all the shit I need to do to fix my life, the part about getting insurance for the car she gave me is fine, but as far as always telling me what to do with my life, go fuck yourself, maybe if you had any idea who I am you'd have the right to talk but you don't so go fuck yourself. The worst part is that she gives good advice and knows how much I'm capable of, but she always says it in a manner that just makes me want to defy her, she makes me want to go in the completely wrong direction just to prove that I can.

Damn I'm a simple bastard. I was getting pissed as I wrote parts of that. Then the lovely lady in the office next door, the one I've got a thing for who really is gorgeous and sweet and funny and has very similar interest but doesn't seem the least bit interested in me and I'm going to accept that, came over to talk to me about our new intern, who by the way is also really cute, but shes a freshmen, meaning awfully young. Anyway the main guy at work is a little bit of a creep, which suits me fine as theres usually cute women here, is currently having a little talk with the intern concerning her affect. It's her first day and all she needs to do is observe, shut the fuck up dude! So she's probably going to be...
Ok now I actually talked to them and I hope I put her at ease a bit. Anyway the simple bastard comment is to the fact that a beautiful woman talking to me is pretty much all it took to make me, maybe not happy, but considerably happier. I don't know anymore. I've got to finalize things with the girl from study group that I'm not interested in. I'm pretty sure we are on the same page, er maybe not. I was just warned that I need to talk to her.

Shit I gotta go.


Daniel said...

Yo this quote fits and its what i think all noble males suffer.

"the whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." -Bertrand Russell

its seems wisdom comes with a curse indeed.

Kilgore Trout said...

I like that quote too, which is why it at the top of my website, right under the title....

Daniel said...

lmao totally didnt even notice. oops.