Friday, March 21, 2008

Barack X

After all the talk about Obama Rob the Granola Guy left me with an interesting thought. What if Obama was a black panther? What if we really did elect a militant radical leftist who sees the world through the lens of race?

My first thought when I read that was, hmm.... that might actually be kinda cool. I'm sure they'd do some fucked up things just like every administration but who knows maybe a militant angry minority in power could straighten some things out. Can't you picture Barack X in native african garb heading to Iraq, "Hey shut the fuck up fo a sec! I know them crackas' done fucked ya. I'm sorry, they been fuckin' with colored people for a long time and y'all got it pretty bad. So what are we gunna do about it? huh? I'ma work wit cha. It's gunna take some time to unfuck this joint but we can do it, together. If that means you want me to keep our troops here to help out we can do that, if ya think they're more problems than cures then we'll get out of the way. We got ta work together on this, I'm ain't gunna tell you what to do, it your country. It's my countries fault you're in such a mess so we're willing to do whatever it take to, well not make things right, seriously I'm not even going there. Thats what them honky's would tell ya, they'd say we can fix the wrong of the past. We can't, we fucked you, hard. I can apologize but nothing I say or do can right the wrongs of the past I cannot bring the fallen back to life. What I can do is work with you for a better future for both our countries, and towards that end I will do all that I can, but I cannot do it alone I will need your help, or more accurately you will rebuild your country for a better tomorrow and if you want help the strength, wealth and good will of the American people are here, and this time we are here for you. Thank you."

Yeah thats the kind of speech I'd like to hear. Ok so some of the slang and mispronunciations at the start might sound racist, but honestly I just meant to convey the sense that this wasn't a polished speech, this was a from the gut talk about the reality of the world. How about domestic policy?

"Same shit I told the Iraqi's sorry ma brotha's but there's not gunna be any reparations. At least not in the sense of a big ass check for all the unpaid man hours of our ancestors. We do that and for one generation we won't have to worry, we'll be all set. How does that help our children? our grandchildren and there grandchildren? Who do you think is going to pay for those checks anyway? If this country was a person they'd be bouncing checks. Now all of us who've lived paycheck to pay check know that when your deep in the whole it's not the best time to take out a loan for a new TV. Well white people know that, banks don't give loans to black folks but you know what I'm saying. So lets cut down the deficit, srsly people right now every child born starts life with like 30,000 dollars of debt just for being a citizen. And thats fucked. Oh and rich people, you're not going to like me, but guess what this is a democracy any you make up less than 1% of the population so y'all can kiss my ass. Exactly how were going to do that, we're still working on. Thats not to say that I don't plan on some reparations but the reparations I seek are not in the form of cash, they are in the form of real education for all of our children. This is the richest nation in the history of human civilization, yet we have citizens who can't read, we have families living in tents. There will be other shit too, but education is key, don't believe me? go read some Fredrick Douglass, can't read? then get the fuck up off the couch turn off the god damn tv and get your ass to school. Cause mothafucka I can't help you if you don't want to be helped. Peace!"
Of course the reality is that a black panther president wouldn't be able to accomplish shit at home. They'd probably help a lot in foreign policy where the executive branch now has unlimited power, but for the domestic stuff they'd still have to deal with congress and I'm sure we all know how well that would go. Oh the other problem would be the survivability as a radical black president.

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