Wednesday, July 30, 2008

A Reverend In Need

So I gotta write a freaking wedding ceremony, and being a procrastinator my time is getting short. My other problem is that as I've alluded to before I've been a bit down lately, mostly due to my usual problem of complete and utter ineptitude with the ladies, what does that have to do with anything? Well when you're feeling depressed because because you're perpetually single, to the point where I'll go to bars with friends girlfriends and no one cares, we make jokes about how I'm practically the gay friend because I sure as fuck not stealing anyones girl. Admittedly part of that is also the fact that they guys trust there girls and I wouldn't do that shit, but if I tried it wouldn't be any more effective. Anyway all that makes it a little tough to come up with eloquent prose about the joys of love and life together.

The basics of the ceremony I can steal, er come up with easily enough. I'm not religious, neither is the groom but the bride has some spirituality and I need to find out if she wants any god stuff thrown in there. I'd rather not, but hey it's not my wedding.

I've always been a fan of quotes, most of the thoughts in my head have probably entered someone else's too, and theres a good chance that at least once the thought was expressed by someone more eloquent than I. Plus I'm pretty good at remembering them.

Hmm... This one is good especially if you cut off the first part.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
- Mark Twain

Now some more, just to save.

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
- Rainier Maria Rilke

He who is in love is wise and is becoming wiser, sees newly every time he looks at the object beloved, drawing from it with his eyes and his mind those virtues which it possesses.
- Emerson

Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling. If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
- South Park (ok I need to point out the absurdity that one of the best quotes I've found is from south park)

If anyone else has some suggestions I'm all ears. Obviously I'm going to include some anecdotes about the bride and groom, and their two amazing little kids.

[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
-Mark Twain

What can I say I like Twain (Clemens) and the groom is a funny dude, so it fits more than it might seem at first.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates (who knew that Socrates had a bit of a Rodney Dangerfield side to him)

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- R.D. Laing
Ok I don't plan on using that one, but it is funny.


Karen said...


Why are you writing the ceremony? Isn't that what the bride and groom are supposed to do themselves these days?

Seriously, you need to talk yourself up for this wedding. Weddings are, among other things, a good way to meet people. Even women. Even available women. Being obviously down and unhappy, on the other hand, is a good way to put off potential love interests.

Just my $0.02.

Oh, and in any kind of ceremony where the participants are bound to be anxious, a little gentle humor is definitely warranted.

Kilgore Trout said...

Oh I realize that weddings are good for meeting ladies, and that depression is something of a turn off. I'm depressed right now as I sit here alone trying to say how great love is when I've only experienced it in the most fleeting of moments. But the day of the ceremony I have no worries about being in anything but the best of spirits. Some pretty good spirits will be inside of me too. Unfortunately these are friends of mine and I already know most of the ladies that will be there. I don't want to insult any of them directly but I did say unfortunately.

As for humor, oh yeah, thats pretty much a requirement with this crowd, not usually gentle but I this I'll keep it gentle until the reception.

As for the bride and groom writing the ceremony, the groom wants me to help him write his freaking vows. I love these two people but writing, especially with any sort of eloquence, is not really their forte. Knowing your weaknesses is just as important as knowing your strengths.

rob said...

Have I counseled patience yet grasshopper? Stop looking so hard, and she will show up.

DB said...

a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians...

Ok, bad Wedding Crashers joke.

Wish I could help on this one, but I find my best writing comes from within. A good quote is an excellent way to begin, end, or develop a speech around. Good luck.

Kilgore Trout said...

Grasshopper kinda sucks at taking advice.

Actually it's just that I can only be patient so long, I keep shit bottled up for a while. I pretend it doesn't phase me, but then a slight breeze comes along and knocks over my house of cards. I'm 26 years old and I've never been in a relationship, I reserve the right to get depressed about that fact from time to time. One of those times is now and I'm in a pretty bad place, the last thing I want to do is sit around and try to be inspired by love. Unfortunately duty calls and thats exactly what needs to be done right now.

I never saw wedding crashers so I have no idea what DB is talkin' about. I do agree that the best writing comes from within' but seeing as I don't think they want a bitterly sarcastic wedding I think I'm going the quote route.

Carrie said...

May I recommend the Apache wedding blessing? It's not at all religious but the sentiment is nice, and even if its origins aren't actually Apache, invoking Native American tribes make it SOUND kinda spiritual.

And on the girl front, hang in there. Just focus on yourself, do lots of activities, become the best person you can be, and some girl will eventually figure out that you're just what she's been looking for.

Kilgore Trout said...

Great minds think alike, I was going through a book of wedding stuff and that was my favorite one. I probably will incorporate that into the ceremony. Thats funny that its from a movie, the book I read it in had it listed as a Native American thing.

As for the ladies. I agree with all that, all I'm saying is I think its reasonable that occasionally I find myself wallowing in self-pity/ self-hatred. And it's just unfortunate that it landed at the worst possible time. So it goes.