Friday, January 09, 2009

One Track Mind

This blog talks about all sorts of issues, politics, religion, science, music, books and generally whatever is going on in the world at the time. Or thats what I talk about when the only thing I really care about isn't active in my life. I think it's pretty obvious to anyone who reads this regularly that if theres any glimmer of hope for a relationship in my life then it pretty much consumes my thoughts. What can I say I love women. Things are still a little odd with the KSGF, and I have no idea if she's figured out that I have a blog where I vent everything in my life that she can get to from my myspace page, but right now I'm hoping she hasn't noticed. I do like her, but I just don't foresee that ever being a really serious relationship. She can't be too mad about that considering she still lives with her ex, is planning on buying a car with him and even told me that she suspects she'll end up marrying the dude at some point even though she doesn't think she wants to. I think she just wants to play the field a little before settling down, I would think that if you married the first person you were ever with then you would always be curious what else was out there. Thats not why I hope she doesn't read this.

The reason I hope she doesn't read this is because while I've stopped fooling around with the one girl from my study group, and I stopped crushin' on the other one, and I'm trying not to have sex with the booty call anymore there is still this other girl from school. Shes really cute, but she's very religious. Basically we had a class together and I thought she was cute, then we had a minor little project together in class and I thought she was annoying, now I know she was messing with me even then. Then I was looking for someone else from school online and found her instead. I said hello and we started talking, but based on her myspace I thought she was some sort of fundamentalist but I figured we could at least have some interesting conversations. I slowly realized that shes very spiritual but totally agrees that organized religion causes many many problems. We actually agree on quite a bit with that stuff despite coming at the questions for exact opposite directions. Then it turned out that she is a very sexual person, which I don't for a moment mean as any sort of insult or calling her a slut or anything like that. She is a committed person, she just likes sex. Some people like to have sex on occasion others want to fuck morning noon and night, theres no right or wrong to how horny you are its just a scale that you fall on somewhere. The important thing as far as that goes is that I think were at a pretty similar spot on that scale. But none of that really mattered because like I said, there was a mutual attraction but she wouldn't date me cause of the religious stuff, so she started dating someone else who was in a similar place spiritually. This happened early on and I still figured we were too different so I wasn't concerned with her relationships. Then as I got to know her I slowly became interested in her, and at the same time were both pretty open and she told me about her relationship and she was venting so she just told me all the bad shit. For such a new relationship there sure was a lot to vent and everything she said raised huge red flags that she was being used by this guy. That wasn't a good spot for me, I like her and she knows it, then she tells me about her relationship problems. I did eventually tell her that I though she was being used but only after much coaxing. This probably sounds pretty normal, I guess I haven't mentioned that theres been a ton of sexual jokes and comments going back and forth between us. Talk about favorite positions, what sort of underwear I wear, size of the bed, even asking for nude photos. She said she was a huge flirt and that she liked that I could talk about that shit without getting fixated on it. So we said plenty of dirty shit without thinking it was serious, and it wasn't. Then about a week ago we watched a movie and so my surprise we ended up kissing a little but we both agreed that it couldn't go too far. Then after I went home she said she regretted it and how she loved the other dude. I said well I wanted you before and you knew it, I still want you and you know it so I don't see how anything has changed. We kept talking as friends and then the other day she said she has a feeling her BF is using her for sex. All I could really say is that I had felt that way for a while. I did start thinking that after we had made out and shit she said it was wrong because of her BF, and not because of the religious crap. Previously she had made it very clear that this was a hurdle I was not going to clear. I don't know if thats still the case or not, I hope not.

I must say that I realized a little bit ago with all my hi jinx when ever I would mention the hot but religious girl they would tend to assume I was just trying to sleep with her. And every time I've smiled and said, actually I think I like that one.

Theres still the very real possibility that she still won't date me even if shes single again, but I'm not going to ask. Then there is still the current KSGF (in case you didn't read the other post, thats Kinda Sorta Girl Friend) and the whole thing with this other girl could be nothing so I don't want to throw this away over a great big maybe. It's pretty dirty to keep her on the hook while I test the waters on the side but hey I've been the nice guy for a long time and if I have to do some asshole shit then so be it. Plus like I've said even the KSGF might be just testing the water with me while intending to get back with her ex so I really don't feel that bad about it.

Now you can see why I hope KSGF doesn't read this. I do like her, I just don't know if I'll ever really love her. The other one, who I still need to make up an anonymous name for, it's been a challenge trying not to fall in love with.

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