Thursday, October 11, 2007

Gross Story Inspires Great Poem

Ok first off you may have already heard the story of Gary Aldridge. It got around the atheist circles pretty damn quick which is why I didn't bother with what would normally be a crazy story that I'd like to make fun of.

If you haven't heard about it then you're in for a very deranged treat.

The quick of the story is that a Pastor was found dead wearing two wet suits, flippers gloves mask, while hog tied with a dildo up his ass. The police determined that it was "accidental mechanical asphyxia." Now I'm pretty going when it come to this shit, as long your not hurting other people (or only hurting people who like it) then I really don't care what you do in your bed room, or living room, bathroom, back-yard whatever. But how can you not be a little curious about what was going on in this guys place. I mean its just weird, and why two wet suits? one wasn't enough? But all of that has been made fun of already, again that why I didn't bother, but then I read this poem over at Pharyngula and I could resist no longer so here is quite possibly the only poem to appear on this website.

We gather here to eulogize
The Pastor and the Man
Old Gary Aldridge, often wise,
Though not his latest plan.

A member of the Christian nation,
Friend of Jerry Falwell,
His last attempt at masturbation
Didn't go at all well.

For fifteen years, he'd preached the word
A Southern Baptist minister
His death--now, is it just absurd
Or something rather sinister?

How does a person come to wear
Not one wetsuit, but two?
(Although, I know, I should not care
I'm curious--aren't you?)

I tend to think that, years ago,
He spied a rubber glove,
And wondered "Should I--well, you know--
When God and I make love?"

He tried it on, and found a tube,
Half hidden on his shelf,
Of KY--smiled, and murmered "Lube
Thy neighbor as thy self."

And minutes later, hard at work,
He felt a little odd
Was this a sin, or just a quirk?
He talked it out with God.

"Is what I'm doing here a sin?
Or is my pleasure Thine?
Is this as bad as skin on skin?
Lord, please, give me a sign!"

So God produced a pamphlet: "Your
Vacation in Aruba!"
And pointed out--right there, page four--
The wetsuits used for SCUBA

See, God's not really how you think
A deity might be
He's got a wicked bondage kink
(Just ask His son, J. C.)

So Gary died, not steeped in sin
But following God's plan;
So straight to Heaven--come on in!
And bring the wetsuits, man!

A story, sure, but it may yet
Explain what happened then.
The moral is, please don't forget:
Your safeword is "Amen".


BEAJ said...

Almost 18 years ago, my not wife yet and I went to Aruba. We found a wet suit that fit her perfectly when we went for a stroll in the shallow waters.

cuttlefish said...

glad you liked it--it was fun to write.

Kilgore Trout said...

HEY! We have an award winning commenter here.
Seriously that might be my favorite poem ever, of course I'm not much of a poetry reader....

Thank you for writing this, and thanks even more for stopping by. I'm pretty far outta my league when it comes to science over at Pharngula, I'm usually more the political end but lately its just been random BS, which I'm also a fan of. Thanks again! and congrats on the Molly.