CIA Awkwardly Debriefs Obama on Creation of Crack Cocain

WASHINGTON—In his first meeting with President Barack Obama, CIA crime and counternarcotics analyst Timothy R. McIntire haltingly explained to the nation's first African-American commander in chief the highly classified origin of crack cocaine and the resultant epidemic that swept across U.S. inner cities. "Well, you see, sir...thing is, we needed money to help those Contras back in '85, and we never really expected...so we distributed it, and...shortsighted...and, ha, well, Christ—is it hot in here?" McIntire said between exaggerated coughs. "Yikes, okay. See, it was a very tense time—not that that makes it right—and, uh, bottom line is, we're a different agency now."

McIntire went on to disclose several other secret CIA operations, including the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in 1963 and the recruitment, four years earlier, of a Kenyan grad student for a clandestine program at the University of Hawaii.

It's from the Onion. I hope you picked up that it's a joke.

FAIL

Fail, because schadenfreude is hard to spell.

And this picture is frickin' amazing.Yeah thats Paulson in the foreground during the big senate hearing.

If you'd like to know where the whole FAIL meme came from then read this from Slate (also where the pic is from), if you'd rather simply enjoy other people's fuck-up's then go to FailBlog.com.

Shhhhhhhh, be vewwwy, vewwwy quiet; we're hunting tewwowists

Damn them terrorist is sneaky. Just look at these recent news reports, this one includes a a young american who was apparently recruited while he was five years old, have they no mercy? When asked if he was a terrorist the boy, James Robinson, now 8 responded cryptically, "I don't know." Savage. But it gets even worse, they also recruited another man, also named James Robinson, who's a lawyer and to no surprise used to work for the Clinton Administration. I'm not sure which way the cause and effect goes on that one. More shocking still is the case of James Robinson, who's an Airline Pilot! Not only that but this pilot is licensed by the TSA to carry a gun On The Plane!!! The terrorist probably got to him back when he was a brigadier general in the Air National Guard. I told you they're sneaky, but I'm not sure why they keep training people with the same name.

Heres another would be terrorist, also a pilot. It's hard to tell if they got to him while he was living in the middle east, he's a veteran of the first gulf war, or if its just a part of the conversion process. Don't let his whiteness confuse you, he's a Muslim. He's even getting help from those freedom haters over at the ACLU, something about how his pilot job requires him not to be on the "Do Not Fly" list. Guess he should have thought of that before he became a terrorist.

I'm sure all (both) my readers know that this is sarcasm but I want to point that out in case someone else ends up here somehow.

The illusion of security.

Pastafarian Judge?

An amusing tale of a kid who was so drunk that after a minor car accident his tires deflated, came off the rims, then the rims came apart, then the front suspension fell apart and the car finally stopped. Good times. But my favorite line is from the Judge.

"You have a problem with the grog," the judge told Ingham

Avast! Tis no mere landlubber here me mates.

I'm a simple bastard

For no particularly good reason I'm feeling considerably better today.
So to prove it.....

A Comic, what else?
Cross Training

Oh and how about a Cracked article?
7 people who cheated death

Cracka Ass Jesus

It's because of shit like this that I read Pharyngula almost every day, and have a bit of a man crush on one P.Z. Myers. He's being threatened, the usual threats, you'll go to hell, we'll get you fired, we will kill you from those self proclaimed peaceful folks in the catholic church.

See he wrote a post about a kid who stole a cracker. But not just any cracker this cracker actually contained part of the actual body of christ inside of it. Thats one hell of a cracker right? I mean shit if I had a 2000 year old cracker that contained tissue from jesus I'd be pretty protective of it too, and I'm not even religious. So how did this kid get his hands one such a holy relic? They pass them out every sunday at churches and cathedrals around the world, and he didn't eat his. The fact that they wanted him to eat their savior is pretty fuckin' weird and cannibalistic but thats an issue for another day. Ok so the cracker wasn't 2000 years old but according to catholic dogma when the priest blesses the cracker it becomes the Eucharist and literally becomes the body of christ, it is NOT metaphorical according to their religion.

So the story went that he was handed one and rather than taking part in this cannibalistic ritual he left without eating the cracker, and by cracker I mean jesus. Where do you think the racial slur "cracker" came from anyway? So P.Z..... mmm dreamy.... had the audacity to treat that cracker ass cracka with disrespect, or actually just asked people to send him some so that he could publicly disrespect.

I'm sure there was a point to this post at one time but that time is not now. So I'm just going to say that I'm out and have a great weekend.

Peace! even to the catholics

God Made Me Fall...

So sue the church!
I love people, for all their stupidity I must admit, they are an amusing lot. The guy who claims that god tripped him and then sued the church when their insurance company didn't want to pay, eh fairly amusing. The comment section afterwards? Amazing.

Anytime someone falls under the Spirit of God, that person is NEVER injured because God protects them. I have seen people who were trampled by women in spiked heels while under the Spirit, and they got up with no injuries. I've seen people hit their heads on pews while falling under the Spirit, and they got up with nary a bruise or mark.

If this man was injured during his fall, he wasn't under the Spirit.

Umm... what kind of a church involves falling on the ground and getting trampled by women in spikes... sounds kinda kinky. Where is that again?

A Fittin' Tribute

Say what you want about San Fransisco, but that town has personality. srsly, go check that out.

C&H

I need to send this a my psych friend...


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

UPDATE: Ok that one didn't fit on my screen but I think you can just click on it. Anyway heres some more that I'll just leave a links to.
Osama
Cops
Genie
Insurance
It's Ok

It's Friday I can't be entirely serious

So heres a quick list of the 10 oldest women I'd still bang. Classy. I would disagree with them on Goldie Hawn because she's kinda scary looking these days, except they won me over by saying, "Just, like, pretend its Kate Hudson." Again, classy.

I love this country

Because of things like this, disgraced politician? Smells like a publicity stunt/joke to me!

Have a nice Memorial Day!

The Joy of Church

This is awesome, the story of a child who suddenly became a member of a Pentecostal Church and loved it.... for the entertainment value.

Cartoons and Life

I've been slacking lately on the bloggin' sorry about that. I guess my attention has been diverted lately. I've been working out a lot lately. I never thought I would actually enjoy exercise but I think I've finally reached that point. I'm looking better and I feel so much better. I'm within a few days of being able to say I've lost 40 fuckin' pounds! As of today I've lost 39. My short term goal is to get under 230 before I go on vacation on the 21st. 4 lbs in a week and a half will take some work but its doable. I also finally have some people to work out with. It's slightly awkward as one is a guy who wants to do free weights and such, the other is a girl who is looking to lose a little weight and get toned which is really more in line with my goals. I wouldn't mind having more muscle but not being fat is the real priority.

I also promised a Cartoon so in honor of my amazing abilities with the ladies here's a rather fitting one from XKCD.

Ben Stein is Right!

Which means I'm a Nazi, oh well if thats what science tells me then I must submit as there is no questioning of D__win allowed. If this isn't making sense the I recommend checking out this article. I also recommend you look at your calender. That article is impressive, sad, horrific and disgusting yes but thats history for you if you don't change history as you go you'll find the past to be a pretty nasty place, of course so long as we keep correcting the past to cover this up we ensure the future to be just as violent a place. And sorry to the Jews, I couldn't care less about your religion but as a people man y'all have been fucked over, and over and over and over.

more comics

Ok a friend just sent these to me so I'm going to save them here.
Joe Loves Crappy Movies
My Stupid Life
Diesel Sweeties

hehehe

Another good dinosaur comic. Thats All Folks!!

It was as if an Occult Hand had written this post

Ha, I like the premise of this group. The phrase wouldn't have been my first choice but its absurdity makes it a challenge. Sounds like some friends at college who I assume were journalists decided that the phrase, "It was as if an occult hand had...." was funny and they would try to sneak it into legitimate news stories. Thats it, that was the club. Absurdity for absurdities sake. I like it.

Stuff White People Like

Call it reverse racism, or just racist if you want, I call it fucking funny, and they call it Stuff White People Like. I think part of the reason I like this so much is because of racist jokes. Society tells me I'm not supposed to like racist jokes but the problem is I love to laugh, therefore I like jokes, even though most jokes are at someones expense. In the case of racist joke they are usually based on stereotypes or otherwise degrading. But they're still funny, or at least some are. The only problem with racist jokes is that theres a lack of white people jokes. It's easy enough if you break white people into smaller groups like redneck jokes or polish jokes or irish jokes but the search for general white people jokes has always left me wanting. While this site isn't exactly a list of white jokes, it is to an extent. I guess I just think that its only acceptable to laugh at inappropriate joke if you're willing to laugh when the jokes on you. We had a perfect example of that ne day after a concert. I have a friend who can seriously go for several hours telling racist and otherwise inappropriate jokes, but as soon as he ran across one that happened to include a girl in the group, she was deeply offended. She then rattled of an insane list of things which couldn't be joked about because she was somehow connected to them. So being the sensitive people we are we pointed out that if you can only laugh at other people then you're the racist then proceeded to insult every group she told us to avoid until she left. Fuck her.

Oh and a big thank you to Pandagon for giving props to SWPL

Dinosaur Comics

I'd heard of this comic a few times but it just seemed weird so I never really gave it a chance. Dinosaur Comics. I'm not sure when I started thinking weird was a bad thing but I'm back to thinking weird is great. So heres some weird comics about dinosaurs, that aren't about dinosaurs at all. This one really had me going.

UPDATE: for some reason this amuses me too, maybe because it invented the term homographic homophonic autantonym. Pretty sweet right?

FARK

If you're ever wander aimlessly about the internet, and seeing as your here I'll assume your doing that now, you need to check out FARK.com. Its a perfect example of what Mark Twain said, "It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense." Fark is simply a daily collection of crazy shit in the news. All real news stories, its not satire, its just insane, because people are insane. Heres a quick example, this is Fark's headline, "A cop that arrested a firefighter who wouldn't move the fire truck must pay $18K for being a douchebag. Your dalmation wants $9K. (With arrest video)" and so much more.